“I checked in solo, woke up handcuffed to someone named Blaze. Best night of my life… I think.”
— Kyle M., 31, Scottsdale, AZ🛎️
Reply from Front Desk
We hope you enjoyed our “Bondage & Breakfast” package. Blaze says hi — and bring a safe word next time.
“Ordered room service. Got a model in heels holding whipped cream. 10/10.”
— Lexi T., 25, Miami🛎️
Reply from Concierge Alexa
That was actually our dinner. But glad you enjoyed the cream of the crop.
“Tried the spa. Came out hairless, breathless, and possibly in love with my massage therapist. Is that normal?”
— Bryan F., 42, Toronto🛎️
Reply from Spa Manager Nova
Totally normal. Side effects of our “Deep Stroke Package” include intimacy, body oil addiction, and emotional confusion.
“I requested a quiet suite. They gave me one with mirrored ceilings, leather cuffs, and a playlist titled ‘Moan Patrol.’”
— Cheryl R., 38, Denver🛎️
Reply from Night Manager Blaze
You clearly booked the “Shhhh Suite.” That’s not a typo — that’s a suggestion.
“Honestly the fire alarm went off twice. But both times, I was already naked and wet, so...”
— Dylan C., 29, Brooklyn🛎️
Reply from Lifeguard Sky
We’re working on the alarm sensitivity. You triggered it with your abs. Call us.
The pool area was lit. Zero kids, all curves.”
— Rashad N., 35, Atlanta🛎️
Reply from Pool Hostess Sunny
Thanks, boo. We run a strict no floaties, all fantasies policy.
“Woke up in the wrong suite. Still got breakfast in bed. She was delicious.”
— Evan W., 27, LA🛎️
Reply from Room Service
We specialize in mixed-up rooms and matched-up soulmates.
🎤 “Y’all said it was a 5-star hotel. I counted at least 6 in my bed.”
— Lola Luxx, Pop Star / Professional Tease
🛎️ Reply from Guest Relations
That’s actually the Presidential Threesome Suite. But sure, call it whatever you want, queen.
📸 “Stayed one night. Posted one reel. Got 14,000 DMs and a sponsorship deal for SPF lube. Iconic.”
— @JetsetJenny, Bikini Influencer & Manifestation Coach
🛎️ Reply from Marketing
We’ll be sure to tag you in our next ad: "Get Glazed at the Regent."
🧔🏾♂️ “I came here to detox. I left with tequila stains, a hickey, and a part-time lifeguard job.”
— Devon Steele, Action Star & Alleged Heartbreaker
🛎️ Reply from HR
Congrats, you’re officially on the night shift. Speedo’s in the mail.
💥😈 NEGATIVE REVIEWS (with savage comebacks)🌟“Disgusting. My suite had mirrors on every wall. Who wants to look at themselves that much?”
— Karen D., 53, Ohio
🛎️ Reply from Sky, Lifeguard Concierge
Ma’am, if you saw what we saw on camera 7, you should be thanking the mirrors. You made art.
🌟🌟“There was moaning coming from the next room all night. This is a hotel, not a brothel.”
— Glen P., 61, Seattle
🛎️ Reply from Manager Blaze
You booked the "Fantasy Floor." That’s exactly what it is, Glen.
🌟🌟🌟“Staff was too attractive. I couldn’t focus during check-in. Felt unsafe... and aroused.”
— Brenda M., 44, Kansas City
🛎️ Reply from Receptionist Nova
Thank you for the compliment, Brenda. We’ll try to look uglier next time. But no promises.
🌟🌟“No complimentary breakfast. Just some girl in lingerie offering me ‘room toast’ with body glitter on it.”
— Trevor K., 36, Boise
🛎️ Reply from Room Service
That’s Tiffany. She’s our Executive Chef of Tease. You’re welcome.
🌟“Honestly just too sexy. Everything was wet, slippery, and half-naked.”
— Margaret H., 68, Yelp Elite
🛎️ Reply from Housekeeping
We told you not to book the “Soak & Stroke Package,” Margaret.
Disclaimer
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